Condemn me to live
by smaragdbird
Summary: It's not that he wants to die, it's just he doesn't care anymore. (past Clint/Coulson, mostly gen)


Natasha was the first one who noticed. And later she would hate herself for noticing it too late. Clint had always been reckless and rash but he had also held onto life with both hands and never quit.

Fury had given them downtime after Phil's death and grief counselling. She hadn't gone but Clint had. She simply couldn't trust anyone but had thought it brave of Clint that he had accepted help.

Maybe that had fooled her for so long. She had been lured into thinking that he was okay when he wasn't.

"What do you think you're doing?" She asked him coldly.

"What do you mean? I didn't do anything. I was pushed out of a window."

"You didn't fight."

"Tash, did you get on the head? I took out two before the third got me."

"You were giving up. You didn't fight for your life. You're always fighting – "

"Not anymore." She stared at him, shocked.

Clint met her eyes calmly as if he hadn't just dropped a bomb into her lap. "I'm not fighting anymore, Natasha. Phil…It's not like he did anything to me or broke my heart", Clint said", but he died on me, the bastard."

"Clint – "

"I'm fine."

"If you saw me being hit by a bullet and I told I was fine you'd doubt my word, too", Natasha replied. "If you're trying to kill yourself again, I swear I will – "

"I'm not Tasha"; Clint interrupted her. "I swear to you, I'm not trying to kill myself. Phil would kick my arse for that."

"Then what would you call it?"

"Like you said I'm not fighting anymore. If I die I die." He gave her a small smile. "Hey, If I'm lucky it'll be a couple years, so don't give me that look."

But Natasha knew better than to bet on anyone's luck.

/

"That was stupid and risky!" Steve yelled but Clint only gave him a blank look.

"It got the job done, didn't it?"

"If Tony hadn't caught you in time you'd be dead. This isn't the first time you're needlessly risking your own life to accomplish a mission." He turned to Natasha. "Is that what Shield teaches its Agents?"

She shook her head.

"Why does it bother you?" Clint asked.

"What?" Steve stared at him disbelievingly.

"Am I not worthy to die for the team? Other people", he swallowed, "better people did. Why should I be different?"

"Because there are people who want you to come home."

Clint laughed, a hollow, broken sound that rattled everyone's bones. "Maybe you do, Cap but I don't."

"We all lost people we loved Clint but that doesn't mean we go out there and try to get ourselves killed."

"I'm not suicidal", Clint replied sharply. "I just don't care whether I live or die. You say you lost people you loved? How many of those did you kill yourself?"

"It wasn't your fault, Clint", Natasha said quietly but Clint gave her a pained smile.

"We both know that's not true. Phil's only dead because of me."

"Do you truly think he would want this for you?" Thor asked.

"I'll never know, will I?" Clint's smile was sharp and jagged like broken glass. "No need to yell at me Captain", he said to Steve", I know what I'm doing."

/

"We need to do something", Steve said. He had called a meeting for all of them except Clint.

"His psych evaluation is clear", Tony answered. "Fury will probably tell us that he'll pull through sooner or later."

"That is not a way to honour Coulson's noble sacrifice", Thor added hotly. "Can't you talk to him?" He asked Natasha.

"I did. I don't think anything could change his mind."

"You're overlooking one thing", Bruce said calmly. "He's not behaving unstable or irrationally."

"He wants to die", Steve replied, "that's pretty unstable in my book."

But Bruce shook his head. "You heard him. He doesn't _want_ to die, he just doesn't care. It's been over a year since Agent Coulson died. It's not a spur of the moment decision. It's his choice."

"He's not you", Natasha said.

"Of course not", Bruce gave her a bitter smile. "I don't get that choice anymore."

Tony made an abrupt motion but stopped when Bruce looked at him and his smiled turned genuine.

"If we're lucky he finds something to pull him through. If not…death can be kinder."

Tony got that crestfallen look that he always got when Bruce implied that he'd rather be dead.

"I cannot accept that", Steve said. "I'll talk with Fury."

Bruce shrugged as if to say "what can you do?"

"You have been his shield mate for a long time", Thor had sat down next to her. "but you don't think his mind can be changed."

"Clint's stubborn. And Phil meant everything to him. They've been together longer than I know either of them."

Thor nodded slowly. "I think I understand. He lost his anchor but we can still keep him from drifting off."

"It won't be that easy."

Thor gave her a sad smile. "Love never is."

/

They held the funeral for Clint two and a half years after Phil's death and buried him next to Phil.


End file.
